Is the past important in therapy?
The past is useful to understand if it's negatively impacting your present. The Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz (ACE) explains the extent to which we may be affected by past difficulties in the areas of abuse, neglect or family dysfunction. Physical or sexual...
It’s Not About the Nail Video
On one level this video is just good comic relief. But is it a common dynamic where one person in the relationship wants to fix the other? One partner is often louder about the other changing. But, usually this is just a symptom of a more ingrained cycle of...
Me is We
We are social beings that crave relationships. In 2013 there was a study at the University of Virginia showing how strongly human brains are wired to connect. When individuals were put under a brain scanner and then threatened to be shocked, the parts of their brains...
Diversity & Inclusion – Love Has No Labels
This video speaks for itself!
Expressive Writing
I often hesitate to recommend journaling - could a word be more associated with cliches? But behold ... expressive writing ... it's the new journaling! This NYT article talks about the substantial research behind expressive writing and it's positive results. This...
Great NPR Interview With Founder of EFT
Listen to this short interview with Sue Johnson! It's very calming to hear her summarize the method behind Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and the science that helps us understand relationships. I like hearing her talk about EFT because as with much of her...
The couples version of cute cat videos
Ok ok watching these hallmark love stories is like watching cute cat videos for me. But isn't this feeling of support and partnership what so many of us long for? And the loss of this togetherness, isn't it what drives us to say and do crazy things to each other?...
A study finds that marriage is good for your heart.
Literally! Study author Dr. Carlos Alviar, an NYU Langone cardiology fellow, said that this first of its kind study provides the most comprehensive look at the connection between relationship status and cardiovascular disease. The researchers studied 3.5 million...
Break-up Data
From a couples therapist perspective - I have to say that given the data - and if your relationship seems rocky - be proactive about helping your relationship before one of one of these peak break up times.
Who is really to blame when you fight?
Emotions that function to defend or fight against a perceived threat sabotage productive communication. Ever had the experience of being in the middle of a fight with your partner, hearing the words coming out of your mouth, and suddenly not recognizing yourself? Or...
Why be vulnerable?
In therapy people learn to express vulnerability, which let's face it, can be uncomfortable work whether you are in therapy on your own or with your partner. As Brene Brown says we numb vulnerability with our partners or others in our lives and that has a cost. In...
When you and your partner are not getting along…
Know specifics of what's happening in your negative cycle. What I do... What you do... What I’m thinking about you... What I’m thinking about myself... My initial reactive feelings... My vulnerable feelings... What I guess your reactive and vulnerable feelings are......
Come Before You Have a Problem
I do see a lot of couples who come in with a crisis - and yes this is the right place to come if that’s what’s going on. AND if you have a choice come in BEFORE the crisis becomes unmanageable. Or better, come in when you have only an inkling that there are...
Get Marriage Insurance
When I open the yearly bill for car insurance, it’s one of those bill opening grimacing moments - “ugh really I have to pay this for something I can’t imagine anything happening, I’m such a careful driver?!” But I have to say when a tree came down in a storm and...
Is it Ever Too Late to Come in for Couples Therapy?
If you and your partner are willing to come in, be committed to the process and have some patience to unwind engrained patterns it is never too late to do couples therapy.
Bad Moods are Good for You
Really?! I had some therapy minded individual tell me awhile ago that emotions are like children. If they are already upset and you lock them away in the closet they will go from upset to even more upset, angry and probably freaked out - right?! I hope you don’t have...
What is Meditation?
Mindfulness techniques are meditation. The goal of practicing is a state of alert and focused attention. You do this by focusing attention on different things. The Harvard Health Guide does a great job in summing them up....
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Resources
Books
1) Hold Me Tight – Sue Johnson
2) Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy for Dummies – Brent Bradley, James Furrow
3) Love Sense – Sue Johnson