“It’s not hard to push a person away. The real work is to draw him close and uplift him.”- Rabbi Nachman of Breslov (1772-18
10) who is regarding as a Jewish mystic said this. And this is why we have Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy…
Have you every caught yourself in the midst of a fight, seen your heinous defensive behavior and paused? Asked yourself why you are pushing him away when what you really want is more closeness? Countless couples in my office have moments like this, “Huh, why am I aggravating him when I want more of him, it’s producing the opposite of what I want, but I keep doing it.”
It takes practice to stop the protective pushing impulses ESPECIALLY when we are afraid or hurt. Look back on a disagreement you’ve had with your partner a while back (nothing too recent). Remember how you were feeling. Was it angry, hurt, resentful? Let that emotion be with you, allow it, breathe into it, mark it and set it aside. Now see if you can feel other emotions related to what you were wanting with him. Not thoughts, but feelings. They could be a longing for understanding, closeness, physical intimacy, partnership, appreciation. Accessing those longings will be your doorway to draw him close.