Ever notice your fights have patterns? Here’s an example of one: “He just clams up when we talk about hard stuff. It drives me crazy! I get so mad and end up slamming the door to the bedroom and stewing until he apologizes.” Most couples fall into some kind of pattern no matter what they happen to be fighting about (from toothpaste to an affair). Each of you likely has an underlying fear when conflict arises. That fear triggers the brain’s emergency response leading to a fight, flight, freeze or fright behavior. Think of a recent fight with your partner; how do you handle the conflict?
Fight? Attack with anger and aggression in order to subdue. “I was just trying to get my point across!”
Freeze? Get alert, stop look listen to what’s around you. “I just shut off.”
Flight? You move away from threat. “I need my space!”
Fright? Surrender and placate to open up escape for later. “Yes, honey.”
Now, go back and do the same exercise and speculate on what your partner does. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy helps create more safety to help process these emotions and behaviors. And, with or without therapy, awareness is key.