Losing you is like…
This is a traditional Hawaian eulogy that was read at a friend's memorial on the big island. And, upon reflection, it also brought to mind the moments of disconnection with our partners that can feel like a small dying inside. And even how transformative growth while...
Baby, I’m stuck to you
The glue of relationships. Much of the research around couples therapy tells us what makes relationships stick, and as community we do hold a lot of wisdom intuitively. Stories are such a powerful way to communicate this, and the Glue Project delivers in an...
A new take on being a mother
I can get myopic about Mother's Day, my mother, my mothering quest, my friends that are or aren't mothers, that type of thing. This post from the Compassion Collective blows open that personal perspective. "Mother’s Day IS about Love. But it’s not about commercial,...
Do you go to la-la land?
Under duress do you like to escape into your man or lady cave? Just to get away from...you know who. In emotionally focused therapy we might call la-la land a withdrawing, distancing or avoidant attachment strategy. Is going to la-la land healthy or unhealthy?...
Caution: nature may threaten your fight
This is a funny spoof on prescription drug commercials and also a good reminder that while individual and couple therapy are awesome - wait I guess I'm biased (!)- there are other solutions out there. [video width="1280" height="720"...
If a 15 month old can do it so can you
We learn how to mirror at a very young age as shown here. As we get older it gets complicated, but all the basics are the same. As grown ups we might call it empathy, or recapping, listening, or curiosity, but basic verbal and non-verbal mirroring of another will...
Here’s how money and fame will kill you
Money, recognition and what comes along with them are nice, (Hello Prada) but they won't help you live longer and be happier. It's having meaningful and safe relationships that cause longer lives and happiness. "...social connections are good for us and loneliness...
The science of making your relationship work is here
Dr. Sue Johnson's study, now 25 years in the making will be soon published. From her books and other research, we know that love isn't a mystery, it's a wired in survival code to keep those we depend on close. Her study shows that we can now isolate key elements in...
Don’t get jealous, get angry, and then worried
What else would you want to do on a Friday night? Perhaps not a first choice, BUT we can't always control timing. Changing how you feel is a process often involving small steps. If you feel it's time to get out of that jealous slump you've been in about his 25 year...
I don’t blame, but he does!
Why is blame so seductive and trapping? Brene Brown explains why. Is finding fault part of your fights? If so what discomfort and pain might...
It’s a hallmark moment
But it's still good. There are several gems of good relationship indicators in this video. I particularly love the line, "I...
Giving that comes back.
If only we could all see the how our generosity has influenced others!
She doesn’t listen! Here’s what might be going on.
Sometimes you share with her and it helps and sometimes it...well makes it worse. This can often come down to empathy versus sympathy. Empathy is a word that comes up a lot in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. But the actual meaning of empathy can be vague. Here...
Sometimes sugar helps the medicine go down
I'm a fan of sweet talk, maybe because the south runs through half my family. I don't mean sweet fake though, but sweet genuine. What if we did more acts of kindness like Shea Glover did in her video? [video width="1280" height="720"...
Doubting the power of love? Watch this!
Hugs could get you through the holidays
In addition to getting you through the holidays, hugs will protect you from getting sick! Hugs keep you healthier and less stressed says a frequently sited study out of Carnegie Mellon. The study led by Sheldon Cohen found that both perceived social support and hugs...
If only he would just….
Ever find yourself saying that inside your head? Carl Rogers is famous for saying that it wasn't until he accepted himself that change was possible. The same is true for how you regard your partner. When you accept all of him (yes I mean THAT quality too!) it's then...
4 mantras your relationship can’t live without
Ok, at least start with two... Don't meditate, meditate on your relationship, and start feeling better right away says Thich Nhat Hanh in a conversation with Oprah. Side note: Do those two names really belong in the same sentence?! [video...
Dad (and everyone else) says you’re the problem!
Your parents (insert best friends, sister etc...) are probably going to take your side if you are fighting with your partner. That's their job, unconditional love. Is it reality based? How could it be? They are getting your point of view - and you're upset. In...
How to show him/her your love
There's lot so things we CAN do to express our love and listening is a big one. In a podcast by Tara Bracht titled Sacred Pause she said, "The deepest expression of love is a non doing presence." Find your heart, and put your hand there, bring your breath there....
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Resources
Books
1) Hold Me Tight – Sue Johnson
2) Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy for Dummies – Brent Bradley, James Furrow
3) Love Sense – Sue Johnson